Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
