The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
