so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
