o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
