capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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