I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
