Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
