....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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