I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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