Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
