Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
