last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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