I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
