the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
