Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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