Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
