he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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