im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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