The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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