I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
