Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
