She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
