my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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