i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize