The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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