Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
