dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
