My hand turned me down
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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