I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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