I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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