we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
