STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
