He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
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