I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
