nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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