He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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