Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
