yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
