I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
