he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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