You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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