My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
