I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
