I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
