I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
