yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
