I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize