bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
