I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
