You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
