On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
