How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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