In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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